Throwback Friday up in here!

I could make a list of “what not to say” but I always struggle to think of everything at once, so I’m going to post Things That Have Been Said as they occur to me, with no regularity because that’s how I do everything, and then we can all learn from the experience. Also this means I can just use things I wrote before and not have to string words into sentences which my brain is no longer capable of doing. Also this means I could ALSO use this space for positive things, but that requires I a) remember to post again and make this an actual series and b) remember positive things and my brain is more wired towards finding what is wrong with things.

 

So with that said, here’s the first:Β Don’t imply that I will ever leave my children.

This is probably a good thing to avoidΒ for any family, because that’s scary as heck. But for families formed by adoption, they areΒ literally only families because for whatever reason, the child’s first family “left” in a legal sense.

 

You want some secondhand embarrassment? You could go watch the Scott’s Tots episode of The Office or you could read this blog.

This is pretty much how things went down, and maybe it won’t sound as uncomfortable but it was

NORMAL DAY: PROCEEDS NORMALLY
NO REALLY: EVERYTHING IS COOL
Me: goes to pick up children from daycare
Me: walks in room
Children: eeeeeeee
Young teacher who could be my daughter: See, I told you she would come if you put your shoes on! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
Me: πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ hahahaha positive comments it’s magic yay lol πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
Young teacher who I COULD HAVE BIRTHED: I told her you wouldn’t pick her up if she didn’t put her shoes on.

…ENDLESS HORRIBLE SILENCE THAT ACTUALLY LASTED NO TIME AT ALL BECAUSE I STILL COULD NOT FILTER MY REACTION…

Me: …please don’t tell her that.
Young teacher who HAS NEVER KNOWN A WORLD WITHOUT INTERNET: *still lighthearted* hahaha okay
Me, incapable of putting together more words and instead just futilely repeating: No. Please don’t tell her that. Please don’t tell her that.
Other new teacher: TRAPPED IN THE AWKWARDNESS
Me, fighting whether or not to explain: Please don’t – I just – it’s just – it’s – no, please don’t tell her that.
Young teacher who I have now probably traumatized with our trauma: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –
Me SO AWKWARD CAN WE JUST NOT COULD WE JUST NEVER: I know you didn’t mean, just, it’s, just, please.
Children: running running eeeee noise loud books look at this
Young teacher who probably has never worked in a job before: STILL APOLOGIZING

This is how hard it is to be me:

IΒ go back and forth about it in my head. I wasn’t unkind but I was firm. It was awkward. IT IS AWKWARD to confront somebody. It is more awkward to confront them when they are just basically a little kid.

But.

Beyond the fact that I don’t want my anxious kid manipulated using fear, beyond the fact that any child at her age would not be able to understand that statement is a lie, beyond the fact that it is a lie,

SHE HAS LIVED IT.

IT HAS HAPPENED TO HER. Repeatedly.

And I don’t really want to make small talk about it at daycare pickup when it’s none of your business. I WILL NEVER LEAVE HER. I WILL ALWAYS COME BACK FOR HER. THERE IS NOTHING SHE COULD EVER DO, CERTAINLY NOT REFUSE HER SHOES, TO CHANGE THAT.

And I feel bad because it is a STUPID KID, and I say that affectionately, and I’m not even angry. She didn’t know not to say it and now she does and that’s it. I wasn’t unkind and it’s proof only of my anxiety that I am this hung up on a perfectly acceptable sentence but so wrong, so wrong, so wrong.