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Hey Hallmark, Your Lack of Adoption Cards is Appalling

Hey Hallmark, Your Lack of Adoption Cards is Appalling

I mean, with a title like that I may as well just dive right in? So much for intrigue.

I went to Hallmark today! You can probably imagine all of the necessary backstory but I’ll tell it anyway. I went to Hallmark today, because I had a nightmare last night about forgetting to get my kids’ annual Christmas Eve ornaments, so I felt like I should remedy that. I got their ornaments and decided to look for a card for friends who recently finalized the adoption of their previously foster children.

 

SPOILER ALERT: NOBODY’S GETTING AN ADOPTION CARD. (Sorry).

 

There were exactly three adoption cards, which took a while to find.

Here’s one, that is nice enough if the person is adopting a singular infant child.

Here’s another… oh, also for a singular… infant… And this one is intense about being for a singular infant too. One little baby. Okay, Hallmark, point taken.

There was one other that isn’t online, also adorned with a baby carriage, also with a cute rhyme about… one singular infant.

Then wayyyyy down at the corner below a million other cards for literally every event under the sun (I took note of the “Congratulations on your doctorate” card and I’m going to need someone to send it to me if I ever decide Doing Things is something I can stomach again), there was the “Welcome New Family Member” card.

Finally!

…except this one was very precisely for one new family member. That’s it. One. You get no more than that.

Hallmark. Get it together. People are adopting older children.

I was going to be nice-ish and semi-patient but you know what, no. I’m not. This is ridiculous. It’s 2017. Diversify your cards.

 

Infant adoptions are not actually that common.

 

Adopting an older child and/or more than one child (e.g., a sibling group) is not strange or rare. In fact, the majority of finalized adoptions are overwhelmingly of children over one year old. In 2014, in every state but Utah (and let’s face it, Utah is kind of wack anyway) children under one year accounted for less than 5% of total adoptions.

Less than 5%.

And yet every adoption card assumes that the parents are adopting a single, newborn baby.

Where’s the card that says “Congratulations on your forever family?” Where’s the card that says, simply and applicably to all situations, “Congratulations on the adoption of your children?” Where’s the card that says, “Congratulations, now you can start buying clothes a season ahead of time and take holiday pictures without wondering what your family will look like at the next holiday?”

Where is the card that conveys the fact that what you have known in your heart for so long is finally, finally, completely official?

I want to send these cards, Hallmark. This is what I want to celebrate, this is what to say to my friends who have adopted. All of us have adopted older children. All of us have adopted sibling groups.

We’re here, and we’re buying cards… or would be, if all three of your cards weren’t based on archaic assumptions about adoption. It’s time to update your cards, and provide us some options, Hallmark. At the very least, even some generic “On Your Adoption Day” cards would be a start.

How To Survive The Foster Care Licensing Process

How To Survive The Foster Care Licensing Process

Spoiler alert: Nothing about it is any worse than the rest of adult life. It is paperwork and driving to places and going to classes. If you’re been out of the education world for some time and the thought of “going to classes” triggers anxiety, we can even call them “meetings.” We could call them sitting in a room eating free food if that is more appealing.*

Because it’s not that bad! And it’s not that difficult!

Except no one is saying these things to the point where I almost wonder… am I not supposed to say them? Am I breaking some unwritten code of foster or adoptive parenting? I don’t think so, because I have a stack of papers shoved** — I mean carefully filed — YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE A PERFECT PARENT! — in a kitchen cabinet and they have all kinds of confidentiality clauses but not one of them ever says also you have to act like licensing is terrible. And yet that’s the narrative that is out there.

Let me repeat: It isn’t. It isn’t. It isn’t. Nothing about it is terrible. It is moderately time consuming for a while… unlike parenting, which is super time consuming all the time.

The way the internet talks about it, you would think getting licensed as a foster parent was the equivalent of getting into Harvard. Guys. Guys. It’s not. It’s really, really not. It’s nerve-inducing because it is unknown, but so was driving and so are electronic voting machines and so all you need to know is push any button other than Trump, okay? Because that’s the one that ushers in the apocalypse.

(And if you just got angry and want to stop reading this blog now, I am going to assume I have just done the foster care world a favor. Because the licensing process is likely going to be a more neutral and less subjective screening process, like: are you a felon? Is your house built on a sinkhole? Do you think knives are fun toys for toddlers? But that’s not my thing. I have no proverbial dog in this fight).

Obviously the agency has guidelines in place for a reason and the licensing process took some time.  The majority of that time was due to my procrastination. It was not difficult. I don’t know how to emphasis that more than I already have. Learning to drive was way harder. Applying to college was way more stressful. Sitting on my couch talking about myself… not so much. I get that this will vary based on situation and personality, but when literally all of my adult life has been spent applying for one thing or another — jobs, apartments, houses, credit cards — this is not rocket science.

 

This is essentially a broad overview of how the licensing process went for me:

 

Me, sitting on my patio in the sun reading a book and drinking a smoothie: Look at all this free time, hahaha. Who needs this. I want to be a parent!

Agency: Okay cool. Do these things.

Me: *does them*

Agency: Okay cool. Parenting is now a thing that you can do!

And that is the shortest and most flippant summary of the most emotional few years of my life. Yet as vague and avoidant of all the real feelings as it may be, it is still kind of accurate. The difficult part came after this.

 

*Your experience may vary. Eating free food is not a licensing requirement. However, this was how it happened for me. In the interest of transparency.

**There are enough organized foster parent blogs out there in the world that I feel compelled to tip the balance the other way. My filing system = I know it’s in my house somewhere!

Stay tuned for next time when I reveal the secrets of “How To Survive Buying Your First Home! Tip #1, Cry, Tip #52, Cry” and “How to Survive Turning On The TV: Find The Remote Or Resign Yourself To Being Amish.”

The beginning continues

The beginning continues

Since I can’t really tell anyone else yet*, I’ll tell you, Internet.

Foster care open house Thursday! I was going to have to work, because I’d already said I’d work late for a rental client… But they cancelled. Is this coincidence? idk but I’m excited.